Candid #1

my thoughts on nightlife:

I just had a conversation with one of my current roommates and he asked "where else have you gone out?", in reference to nightlife because I went to a gay club last weekend with my friend, Yesica.

And for the first time since Ive moved (which was february 2nd, it is currently february 18), it hit me.

...

"no where actually"

He began to ask why not and began to encourage me to make new connections.

Then I was brought down a train of thought I hadn't gone down. Why haven't I felt motivated to explore NYC? Theres so much to do and so much to see. Don't get me wrong, I've taken myself out on a few dates here and there. Visited Manhattan with friends, or to see friends. However, when it comes to nightlife. Drinking, clubbing, or partying. My mind completely loses interest.

Im realizing that for the first time in my life, I genuinely enjoy spending my nights with myself, or in magnificent company. Ive lived many weekends not at home. It pretty much was my life between the ages of 16 through 20. COVID happened. I turned 21. Then the pattern picked back up again. I felt a discomfort at home, not due to anything other than the fact that I'd have to sit with myself and feel all of my feelings. I've learned a defense mechanism of mine is trying my best not to feel those and ignore them instead. I have had to learn how to give myself permission to feel them.

It's been officially a year that I focus on myself only, in terms of romance. Almost like I started dating myself a year ago. Showering her with love, giving her gifts, taking her on vacation, showing her what there is, more to life. I have bathed myself in so much love to the point where I am so content and happy with just being at home on a Friday night. I don't even think about it twice.

Where as me at 17 would probably be really upset about it. Feeling lonely and gutted.

I think I'm not interested in seeking nightlife memories because Ive learned how to enjoy sitting with myself. I like reading my book to soft sad music, with a cup of tea on hand, cue candid thought. Here I am to rant about it on my blog & I am so happy here.

Ive learned a lot about boundaries. Not only how to set them, but where they come from, why I have them. I think the more you understand where that boundary is coming from, the stronger and easier it is to hold them.

You are a privilege. I believe I am a privilege and everyone has the right to choose who and what they allow in their bubble. It is your one and only bubble at the end of it all... (death)

and you're the only one who will ever live in it, or utterly understand.

T The energy that is held within night life it can hold wander, beauty, but there is a lot of emptiness and sadness that I sense. Alcohol is a depressant, so unless im dancing my heart out on a dance floor, I can feel that heaping weight of sadness from the exterior, not so much interior. I prefer meeting and talking to people with the sunlight or sunset, into the night. I prefer to talk to one two or three people and be able to sincerely hear them and build a genuine conversation. Rather than screaming about stupid stuff that doesn't really matter and you will probably forget. Unless it's of course, one of those beautiful lovely moments where you connect with someone who ends up being a best friend. Those moments are rare, which is why I like to keep nights out special, or meaningful. In other words, I like to live every piece of my life with meaning. Its really difficult for me to do meaningless things.

A random secret for funsies, I have grown an infatuation with cozy items, specifically soft texture. Like my blankets, fuzzy socks, pillows. I spent so much of my teenage/early 20's out on the streets, I have never really known what it feels like to be a home body or - just be home. I like it, and its new to me as well, and I'm always eager to try something new. Along the way I have learned to embrace my natural state, rather than fighting or shaming my natural state. She deserves to be heard and respected. I can hear now what she's comfortable with and instead of ignoring, I listen to her now. I apply myself, too.

And right now she just yawned and is saying it's time to go to sleep. So I'm gonna go. Thank you so much for reading I appreciate you deeply and send love to your heart.

Saturday, February 18 02:27